Social Anxiety Forums

AnonInMisery · Posted: Mon June 04, 2007 Post subject: Downward spiral

hi, I'm new to the forums. I found this forum from the wikipedia article on SAD. I guess you can tell I'm well past the denial stage, but I'm still miserable.

"Downward spiral" sort of describes my last 14 textbook years. I was never "in" growing up, had few friends, didn't think much of it because my parents are the same way. They hardly ever had a life, and I'm becoming them. The problems started when I was in school plays as a teenager. I couldn't stand to see myself in the taped version of the play. I hated how I looked, I hated how I sound...then it got worse over the years. Then after school I moved across the country, and with the combination of an injury and the hard time I had meeting people, and other factors I don't even feel comfortable mentioning with an anonymous nickname, I got to the point where I couldn't even go outside, at all. I had to have someone purchase things for me. I got completely addicted to gaming, just for the sake of not driving myself crazy. When things went wrong in the game once, I (over the course of several months) almost drove myself to suicide. Luckily, I failed that as well.

Then years later, when it got to the point I couldn't live that way anymore, I had to essentially re-adapt to society. (and move, again) I was pretty much a loner for a year and 1/2 at my job(s) and somehow justified it and didn't seem to care that much. I went to a community college but didn't really connect with anyone, until I got "lucky" and met a customer at my job at the time. I'm now starting to think it was a curse. We hit it off, he introduced me to his friends, and a number of us spent a lot of time together. Then I ended up moving several hundred miles away because of a job, and only get to visit these friends about 7-10 days per year.

When I moved, and at my first job there...it was all a disaster. I didn't connect with anyone there, I was pretty much labeled as weird (I had a very honest boss...who I respected somewhat for that) and I was pretty much alone for 6 months until by chance I met someone I knew from 10 years back, who introduced me to her friends. But it wasn't the same as with the last time. I still spend time with them, but I still feel distant as well. I don't really communicate with any of them outside of a weekly thing we do, and I don't think I'd be missed. Then I met another group recently but I don't think they want anything to do with me.

I can't figure out what's wrong with me. The more time I spend alone, the more nuts I become. If I'm not doing anything for long enough, I start telling myself that I'm a freak, or a monster, or there's no reason anyone would want to be around me. But I don't know how to really meet people. Everyone I met in the last decade or so came to me...I don't know what to do.

I know, first up, that I have SAD. But I've somehow managed to keep breakdowns inside my room and all, but unless I've had something to drink I find it just hard to say anything anymore. The downward spiral has been since I moved here. But that's just in my personal life, at work, I've loosened up quite a bit. That's backwards if you think all the crap happened at work, but most of the bad memories are at the one special event I really, really regret going to...I made a complete fool of myself. That too-much-information boss did at least say my work was good, probably the only reason I lasted 10 months there.

I made a complete fool of myself many, many times...and I remember every one that was never resolved. Unless I'm in a situation where things are happening constantly, or there's alcohol, the negative thoughts come in and I'm just thinking this and that, and I end up being mute with people wondering why I don't talk. (and when they confont me with it, I know I'm screwed)

I'm in my mid 20's now, and I desperately want to get over this. I want to be able to talk to people, I don't want to be intimidated by people with status, or people with rich, full lives. I want a rich, full life...and I know I can't get one if I can't even approach people. I think meeting those people just completely destroyed me. I had fun for a short period of time which makes my life seem emptier than ever.

I'm so messed up.

Josh · Posted: Mon June 04, 2007 Post subject:

Welcome to the forums Anon. Thanks for telling us your story. Personally I don't know any magic pill that will fix what you have.

Whenever I have a negative thought, I always tell myself that I could never experience the negative feelings using willpower. For some reason thinking about this calms me down. It's strange that I can never use willpower to feel anxiety - and yet it happens when I am too focused on some negative event.

As for approaching people you will get better with time. It might just be you haven't found a group of people who have the same interests as you.
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MyGoal · Posted: Tue June 05, 2007 Post subject:

Hi Anon
Thanks for telling your story, I always appreciate hearing and respect the disclosures people make. It's good to have a place to share things and know others understand. Even if all our experiences and histories aren't exactly the same we all know the pain, the loneliness, the isolation, fear and alienation we feel from having this anxiety problem and it's good to know we're not alone for starters Smile

TommyGavin · Posted: Mon September 03, 2007 Post subject:

I, too, am experienceing a downward spiral in my life here. I moved here some years ago because of the job. I had fun in the beginning, but as business got bad, and the fun people left, I still stuck around because I didn't want to go back to the staid existence I left back home. However, I had a boss who really got on my case for the littlest things and I just simply took his crap. I could quit, but that would send me home. It took me me two years to learn the new town I was in, save up enough money, find a new job and place to stay, and finally quit. I was already suffering from low self-esteem and self-doubt, but my time there really did a number on me.

Now, I'm in a fairly good job (auto sales), but my SA has cost me good relationships. And I don't see a clear light at the end of the tunnel. I am a cauldron of negativity. I don't see anything good about me except when I portray myself as someone else "cooler", but it's never really me.
I have friends, but I tend to avoid them. I know that they care about me, but I feel like a complete choad knowing that I have such crippling SA. But I am here to beat it, and I hope you are successful in your endeavour to beat SA.