Social Anxiety Forums

PHD86 · Anxious Poster Joined: 27 Apr 2007 Posts: 37

Hi, first time poster here - this the only site which actually accepted my registration so here goes;

Was set for university (age 17) before my SA and general anxiety got out of control and realised I couldn't go.

3 years have passed and although I feel my SA has gone down in many respects, I now have the time factor which is really getting to me as I haven't managed to work or pursue anything in that space of time.

Basically, I'm ashamed of the time I've spent out and this is holding me back big time along with other SA-related issues such as no longer having any real friends, the fact that I've never had a girlfriend and that I would be terrified to tell anyone about what's happened in the last 3 years.

My other big anxiety is that I'm terrified of making a mistake and therefore have commitment issues which have now increased because of the time I've spent out of work/education.

Any views welcome.

Josh · Posted: Sat April 28, 2007 Post subject:

If it makes you feel better a haven't had a girlfriend either. However right now I am doing some weight training/diet to improve my confidence, particularly with women.

With regards to your SA have you tried going to doctor or even buying over the counter supplements?
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PHD86 · Anxious Poster Joined: 27 Apr 2007 Posts: 37

Thanks for replying Josh;

With regards to your question - I am currently seeing three different medical professionals, all attempting to get me back into the real world and doing something meaningful.

Other than the SA, the time factor for me is a big issue. The prospect of having to explain what I've done over the last 3 years is not only potentially humiliating but because of the standards that I hold dear - it's still difficult now to accept that certains things have happened in that time.

When I joined this board last week and posted the following topic - I'd maybe hoped that someone could shine a light on this dreaded "time factor" that means so much to me.

iPlume · Posted: Sun April 29, 2007 Post subject:

how about attending college? get the training and skills while building your confidence and usally they have an in house medical person you can talk to when things are getting too much.

essco · Terrified Newbie Joined: 19 Mar 2007 Posts: 7

PHD86 · Anxious Poster Joined: 27 Apr 2007 Posts: 37

What you've got to appreciate is that I have nothing tangible to show for that period of time - no work, no education, nothing.

I spend the majority of time in my house - on the internet or watching TV and other than that spend most of my time either going to football or walking my dog. Most of the time spent in my house really gets me down.

It's difficult for me because I had my whole life planned out in front of me; leave school with good grades (which I did), go to uni to study Accountancy, do my ACCA training and finally become a chartered accountant.

You see, me and the rest of my family believe in work ethic - my dad's worked for the last 32 years while my mum has a 7 year gap which is acceptable because she was raising me and my sister. My sister's also working and as she seems to have gotten over he shyness, she'll go to uni after the summer with little or no problems.

I'm 20 years old and haven't done anything since leaving school and although this may not be my fault, as my doctors have been telling me, I still blame myself for what's happened and that I have potentially ruined my life.

Josh · Posted: Mon April 30, 2007 Post subject:

How is the time factor distressing you if nobody knows what you've done but yourself? If anybody asks you you could just make something up. I know a lot of people go travelling for a year after finishing high school or even university.

PHD86 · Anxious Poster Joined: 27 Apr 2007 Posts: 37

The things is I'm not good at making things up - my family, career counsellors and other people in the medical field have tried to give me something to say but I've not been happy with it. Even the medical people have told me that by looking at my records that it's obvious that I've come a long way in the last 3 years and that I've certainly learned things about myself but for me that's not enough.

I'm the sort of person who tries to stray away from even half-truths if I can help it and because of my perfectionist attitude and standards am not happy with what the 3 years stands for. I worry a lot about what others think (and even though I know that's a bad thing, I can't help it) - it's part of what makes people like me socially anxious.

What you also have to refer to is what I've said in the first couple of posts - that I had my life mapped out and I hate the fact that I didn't do what I set out to do because of my SA.

MyGoal · Anxious Poster Joined: 28 Apr 2007 Posts: 28

You are way too hard on yourself. Can you try and be a bit more gentle and kind with yourself? If you start making small changes now, just tiny ones then you will gradually change.
Perfectionism can lead to procrastination, and then nothing is achieved and we feel worse cos we block any creative flow we might have, need to express, anything we want to create etc. And our minds feel scared like we are running out of time. Self acceptance is part of moving ahead too, that means accepting all that we are not just the stuff we judge as being OK or good, but all the darker painful aspects of ourself too.
You are only 20. I am twice your age. I wish I could have had all this information when I was 20 about social anxiety but there was nothing spoken of it, no information about it. You younger people have so many resources, information and help at hand. I'd have given anything to know that stuff. You have your whole life ahead of you, take it one day at a time. Change the things you can now, no matter how small they are, they are not silly, they are progress. Judging is not a healthy way to heal from this thing, it just creates more fear. And comparing ourselves to others is something to get out of the habit of. It just keeps the wheel of inferiority-superiority going round and round causing havoc with our self esteem. Everyone is a unique individual and we're all different, it's easier to appreciate that about everyone and self whether SA or not.
Take care and I wish you well.

Hobo · Posted: Tue May 01, 2007 Post subject:

I graduated high school in 2004, and I never thought I would ever go to college or university. Now I am 22, and I am forcing myself to leave home, move to a new city, and go to college. If I can do it, then there is still time and hope for you to make your plans a reality.

PHD86 · Anxious Poster Joined: 27 Apr 2007 Posts: 37

Referring to the college idea submitted by iPlume, what I would say to that is that I've considered just about every possible avenue there is but that this time factor is holding me back as well as other issues.

Another issue would be something that MyGoal was eluding to; that we have so much information and opportunities nowadays - it's almost like there's too many opportunities nowadays which makes it impossible to decide which way to turn.

A few people that I've come into contact have said it would be a shame if the SA was the only factor in preventing me going to university but the fact of the matter is that it is. The only real area of actual work at university that would've bothered me was coming into contact with people (ie. tutorials) and of course presentations which of course have their roots in SA. In conclusion if I didn't have the SA, I'd be in my 3rd year at Uni on placement right now; going into my 4th and final year after summer.

MyGoal · Anxious Poster Joined: 28 Apr 2007 Posts: 28

PHD 86, I can understand how you feel. And I understand the feeling of running out of time. We get caught in a place where the past has been decided by the SA, and the future dreams are out there and we want them but we're stuck in today. SA has such a hold on all decisions made, all choices, and outcomes. i can totally relate to considering taking a course/study/job etc and doing a mental scan on what things would be extremely difficult if not impossible (e.g presentations) that I need to avoid at all costs due to the SA. That would be my first consideration before other things the job has to offer. SA rules so much, it's like living under it's rulership.

I want to recommend a book I cherish. It helps me to read it and turn things around to a more positive thinking.

The book is called ......... The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine N. Aron.

PHD86 · Anxious Poster Joined: 27 Apr 2007 Posts: 37

Thanks for that last one MyGoal - nice to know that there are other people in this world who understand these types of dilemna.

It is so frustrating when you know what you want and feel it's unatainable; in some respects it would've been easier if I hadn't had a clue.

What I hate is the fact that time seems to either go too slowly or too quickly - slowly during the day but quickly from day to day because I'm sitting here in my house. It's hard seeing other people getting on with their lives and me stuck here with a disorder that stops me doing anything.

My OT and therapist seem to think that I've learned a lot over the last 3 years but because I have nothing tangible to show then it gets me down. Not being able to account for it on a CV, worrying what others would think about it such a sustained period of time out of work and the fact that I am so out of practice in terms of working.

What I've been working on the last few weeks is trying to put a positive slant on this 3 year gap, learning to accept it for what it is and having something to say to others when they ask "What I've been up to?"

I'd be delighted if someone on this board could put my mind at ease over such a long period of time or being able to put a positive slant on it which I couldn't possibly be able to change into a negative.

PHD86 · Anxious Poster Joined: 27 Apr 2007 Posts: 37

Thanks for that last one MyGoal - nice to know that there are other people in this world who understand these types of dilemna.

It is so frustrating when you know what you want and feel it's unatainable; in some respects it would've been easier if I hadn't had a clue.

What I hate is the fact that time seems to either go too slowly or too quickly - slowly during the day but quickly from day to day because I'm sitting here in my house. It's hard seeing other people getting on with their lives and me stuck here with a disorder that stops me doing anything.

My OT and therapist seem to think that I've learned a lot over the last 3 years but because I have nothing tangible to show then it gets me down. Not being able to account for it on a CV, worrying what others would think about it such a sustained period of time out of work and the fact that I am so out of practice in terms of working.

What I've been working on the last few weeks is trying to put a positive slant on this 3 year gap, learning to accept it for what it is and having something to say to others when they ask "What I've been up to?"

I'd be delighted if someone on this board could put my mind at ease over such a long period of time or being able to put a positive slant on it which I couldn't possibly be able to change into a negative.

PHD86 · Anxious Poster Joined: 27 Apr 2007 Posts: 37

Thanks for that last one MyGoal - nice to know that there are other people in this world who understand these types of dilemna.

It is so frustrating when you know what you want and feel it's unatainable; in some respects it would've been easier if I hadn't had a clue.

What I hate is the fact that time seems to either go too slowly or too quickly - slowly during the day but quickly from day to day because I'm sitting here in my house. It's hard seeing other people getting on with their lives and me stuck here with a disorder that stops me doing anything.

My OT and therapist seem to think that I've learned a lot over the last 3 years but because I have nothing tangible to show then it gets me down. Not being able to account for it on a CV, worrying what others would think about it such a sustained period of time out of work and the fact that I am so out of practice in terms of working.

What I've been working on the last few weeks is trying to put a positive slant on this 3 year gap, learning to accept it for what it is and having something to say to others when they ask "What I've been up to?"

I'd be delighted if someone on this board could put my mind at ease over such a long period of time or being able to put a positive slant on it which I couldn't possibly be able to change into a negative.