Social Anxiety Forums

shyguy · Terrified Newbie Joined: 10 Apr 2007 Posts: 1

Hi, I'm a new member and I would like some help/advice/opinions if any of you can. My situation is thus:

I'm certain I have social phobia, and have been for about seven years.
I'm 20 and male.
Over the last few years I have had up and down points with my ability to overcome my social inability.
I stopped going to school when I was 12 because of my fears, and had almost no interactions with people my own age until I was 16 at which age I decided to go to college. I did various courses there until I was 19, but over that time I wasn't able to make any real friends. There were people that I spoke to occassionally even having the odd laugh with, but I was never able to really connect as a friend. As soon as it was the end of the day, that would be it. I had no idea how to interact with them beyond doing college work. After that I went to a new college to do a two year course. Unlike my previous college I do a full time course where I am around the same class of students five days a week. Because of this I believe I have been able to intergrate into a group more then I have in years. In this sense I feel I have made progress, but there are still many areas I'm not pleased with. These being:

***I still often find it hard to start conversations with my class mates. Part of the problem is that I do almost nothing outside of college that I can talk to them about.

***I have never had a girlfriend. That in itself depresses the hell out of me. It isn't that I keep getting rejected. It's that I never let myself be in the situation where I could be rejected. I've never asked a girl out because I'm afraid, both of her saying no and her saying yes. If she said yes I'm afraid she'd find out how much of a social loser I am and not want to know me anymore.

***Now I think about it, it's the same with the people I know from college. I've been invited to their houses a few times (the first few times I made up excuses and didn't go, but I bit the bullet and went to the last couple...hurrah for me) The problem is that I'm afraid to invite them to my house. If I threw a party(like some of them have), they might come to my house, but they would be the only ones there as I don't have any other friends. If they found this out it would really upset me. They all have outside friends, but I don't. They all have other friends at the college outside our class, but I don't. Which brings me to the next part of my problem.

***I honestly have no idea how to start a conversation with a stranger. How do you approach them? Why? What do I say? The only people I've ever been able to talk to are people who are forced to be around me, either being in the same class as me or at work. Incidently....

***I recently got my first job, but I'm incredibly unhappy there. Beyond the money I was hoping the job would enable me another oppurtunity to interact with people and make friends, but I feel I have only made passing acquaintances who like at college I do not interact with once the day is done. Another problem with my job is that it is very dull. I was hoping that since it was a second place for me to go in the week, it would give me something to talk to my class mates about, but it isn't. I can talk about how boring it is and how much I hate it, but you can only have that conversation so many times before you become boring to them.

***One last fear/concern I have is this. For all the progress I have made at my new college I fear I'm soon going to lose it, as my course is ending in June. After that I won't have any real oppurtunity to see my class mates and I will once again be friendless and lonely.

Well there you have it. I'll stop there because I've been rambling on quite a bit, but really this is only scratching the surface of my social phobia. I'd really appreciate some help. Thanks.

iPlume · Posted: Tue April 10, 2007 Post subject: Re: Life help needed

firstly

and i hope you find these forums useful and secondly...

Bobby · Calm Regular Joined: 17 Feb 2007 Posts: 57

browneyedgirl · Terrified Newbie Joined: 07 Aug 2007 Posts: 4

im only 17 and im worried as hell about going to college because i think this will happen to me. I have that situation only im in highschool. I have only a few friends who i talk to in school and am too chicken to call them outside of school. I've never been to a party, drank, or had sex before. So i guess that makes two of us. I'm really horrible at talking to guys and couldn't even dream of going out with one let alone have someone ask me out. SA really makes us ppl nervous wrecks eh? I'd love to be friends with you if i met you, tho i'd probably be too afraid to come up and talk to u. It's too bad the nice guys are usually too shy to ask girls out. I'd give anything to help someone not feel alone and in turn gain a friend. But i guess we'll never know because we're too shy.

anyway, here's my advice: get CBT from a therapist or do group therapy. anxiety meds may help too. I've never been to college but i'd suggest getting a hobby and becoming really good at it then join a club that includes that hobby. That way u have something to talk about. and work on making friends (thats ok if u can't yet i kno its hard) before trying for a girlfriend. That way i guess u don't have to worry about seeming a 'social loser'. Get involved in a club or sports and volunteer or work somewhere where its not as dull. Class could be a great place to talk to ppl. Just don't think about gettign them to be ur friend, just try and chat and be friendly.

kallik · Terrified Newbie Joined: 26 Aug 2007 Posts: 3

What I've found out, in my 45 years, is that fear stops us from ever accomplishing things. I'd say practice first on someone, anyone, asking a girl out, until you get comfortable doing it. Everyone is afraid of rejection, the only difference is, learning to ignore that demon in your ear that says, "You're a loser, She hates you," etc. This can only come with time and experience. I believe the more I gave in to that insecure voice in my head and listened to it, the stronger it became. You have to develop a strong sense of self. A self that tells you, " I don't care if 1,000 girls reject me, I'm a good person, and I have a lot to offer!" I really feel the only thing to fear, is fear itself! Sounds easy? It's not! But CBT and exposure to what I was fearing is the only thing that has helped me and turned me from, never talking to anyone, to talking to total strangers! I just let myself feel the fear and did it anyway! Hope this helps!